Wondering...

I'm just wondering when I'll have an entry that will be like light or happy..

I'm not saying that I'm completely sad and low.. I can still manage to smile and laugh my heart out..BUT..

But I feel so confused.. uncertain.. hurt and other negative emotions I can no longer put into words.. I can't even put into details why I feel this way.. I do know why.. can't just put them into words.

Funny as it may seem.. I'm so "talkative".. I always have something to say.. but now.. I don't know.

I am wondering when I can finally figure things out.. I mean, have the proper words to explain why I feel those sad emotions..

One thing is certain.. I can't have everythng I want.. When I thought I'm holding on so strong.. the one I'm holding on to has a "feeling" of letting me go.. ='(

Things are getting more depressing..

There are 4 people who matter so much to me and currently somehow the cause of my being really sad.. but I know that it's not gonna be like this always..

Kitty.. she's in the states right now and I miss her so much!

Dama.. she has hurt me so much! and I dunno until when I can stay really mad at her, but what she has done is something that I never thought she can do to me.

Ate.. things are getting really challenging for us right now. But rest assured, I will never leave you nor let go of you.. I believe that FOREVER holds true for our friendship, our sisterhood.

MK.. we can't have everything we want but we can be happy and contented with what we have.

I'm hoping for things to get better and I'm looking forward to that.. But now I know this things that are happening have to be dealt with. And it may take a really lllllllllllooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg time for some of these sad things to be better. But I guess it's really like that.

And there comes the saddest word.. GOODBYE

I've been long struggling to be happy.. and everytime I'm near to having my happiness.. it just slips away.. I let it slip away.

And there comes the saddest word.. I never imagined it will be said.. but it was.. GOODBYE..

What is so good about it? What is so good of letting go when all it brings is pain? Why can't things be simple? Why does it seem like my happiness is so hard to reach?

I guess these questions will remain unanswered for a long time.. until I've healed.. healing takes time.. especially that with all these things that happened, the one i hurt the most is the one I love so much.. And I don't even know if that person has any idea how much this love is.

But then again.. it all goes down to this saddest word.. GOODBYE.. =((

Hurting.. Again..

I'm so close to being with the one I love but things keep happening that do not let me go after it. You see, I'm a kind of person who as much as possible wants that everyone important to me are happy and are close by me.. meaning won't leave me. It used to be my mom.. that's why in my past relationship, I gave him up cause she said so. Now she's gone, she gave me 2 angels to watch over me. I'm so happy with my angels and they really do their "job" really well. But in the process I get hurt as much as I hurt them. I understand what they want for me.. I know too that they want me to be happy.. to be happy in the right way. And since I'm the one who is wrong, I can't really fight for what I want. I can't really fight for the one who makes me happy. I can't fight for my happiness.. cause the harder I try, the more I lose.

To my angels, I'm truly sorry and thanks for being there. To my happiness, I hope you find the one who deserves you more than I do.

As for me.. I'm hurting.. again. And I don't know until when.. but I think time will heal me. I'll be ok.. I need to be ok.. Just please don't give up on me.

Outing in Fontana

It was fun going out and enjoying the summer. This opportunity to spend an out of town overnight at Fontana was made possible by Anjanette Tan and her family. There were 14 of us teachers and 2 students who came with us.

What made this outing memorable for me was the time of not sleeping. It's because I had a great conversation with Mr. Capistrano and Anj. Being a talkative person that I am, what's a bit surprising for me is that I'm the one who listened.. Just asked very few questions but not really talk and all to cut him out of what he is saying. It was also liberating to talk things out with him about some things he has in mind about me.. Anj and Sir Capis.. thanks for the wonderful time!

But of course, the outing wouldn't be really complete with all the fun we shared during the swimming and sliding and eating and singing.. =)

I'm hoping for more bonding activities with my co-teachers.. and with the Calatagan outing this May 18-19.. I can't wait to have a really good time.. =)

**

*quiet*

*hug*

*mwah*

These are things I'm left to say when all i feel inside is confusion and pain..

I really understand everyone's point of view. I try as much as I can to please everyone important to me. I wanna find my real happiness.. Happiness that everyone accepts. I will keep on searching for it.. but along the way I falter.. I stumble into the "wrong" side of the road. And it hurts everyone who gets involved, everyone who learns about it, everyone including me.

I made promises I intend to keep. I promised to be open and not hide things anymore and I started it.. slowly trying to get used to it.. but it takes time and timing as well.. It hurts to be accused.. It hurts to be labeled.. It hurts not to be trusted. But it was all my fault anyway.. I'd just have to bear with it.

I hope that time will make me strong and allow me to be the happiest I can, the right way.

Wherever He'll lead me, I'll follow

As one thing in my life gets better, another "mess" has just happened. But like what I told a good friend of mine, I'm positive about whatever it is that will happen. WHEREVER HE'LL LEAD ME, I'LL FOLLOW.

I have plans of staying where I am, but current events are telling me otherwise. It made me think, but the bottom line is, it is up to Him where He wants me.

Rest assured that I'll still be the best I am in everything I do and keep an open mind and open heart to things that can happen.